dear friends
16 years ago today i reported johnny.  I went to the school conselur and ask her what if someone was getting abused what whould happen to them if someone was getting abused she asked me if it was me and i tried veryhard not to tell i didnt know what would happen finally i told her i needed to go to class because she got me working in the kitchen for first period.   my 15 year old brain thought that if i told it was johnny i would ggo home and magically have a lolving supportive mother that i had before my parents divorce..  the bell rang and I told my rotc instructure that hey the conselur wanted to see me.  so i went and told her and even told her that he was there at my last IEP.  she called cps and i met my case worker which i have contact with to this day,  they said they would pick me up at the end of the day went to the bathroom and when i came back they decided i would go then so i went and spent 5 days in child haven whilw in child haven my mom protected johnny and told the worker i have made up stories all my life and that i was lying after the 5 days i had my first pelvic and it was discovered i had no hyman i went to live with my dad and linda that wasnt the best place to start healing since they were both alcoholics but i got a great conselur from victims of crime and she help me so much during those next few years.
now 16 years later im in so much pain maybe even too much pain

Yesterday I decided to call my mother on mother's day...partly out of guilt and obligation and partly because I wanted to reconnect with my family because I'm pregnant. I haven't talked to my parents in about 2 years and I decided to tell my father via email that I was pregnant. He thanked me for sharing the good news so I thought that my mother would have a similar reaction, but I was prepared for her questions because I know how she is. We made small talk and then she said, "your father says you're pregnant" and then she asked what the father did for a living. When i told her he was a truck driver she started with the same old shit I remember...lecturing me about my poor choices in life and then she started crying and saying how sorry and sad she feels that I've ruined my life and how society will look down on me for this man i've picked who she knows nothing about except his job profession. My mother married my father for money and because he was a doctor. she knows nothing about real love and on top of it she married a man who molested and raped his own kids. But she only cares what other people see from the outside. She never asked me once if I was happy or if my boyfriend was a good man. She just judged him and judged my life and she made it all about her and how it reflects on her, which is really what she cares about anyway. Yeah maybe she "cares" about me but she has never taken the time to really know who I am and she has always imposed her values on me, not even trying to understand what I want or need. In a lot of ways, she has fucked me up more than my father sexually abusing me. She has passed on her judgmental, critical, intolerant, codependent ways onto me and I have always known this but it is becoming even more apparent that none of this stuff belongs to me! And that is empowering in a way, so I am trying to find the silver lining in all of this. All of the negativity and doubts I have are just things I've internalized through my mother's fears and projections onto me. And I swear by all things sacred that this will end with me and I will not pass these things onto my child.

I had a nightmare last night that I was on a sports team and we got unfairly brutalized by the other team...this was symbolic of what happened to me. Team Sharyn (and all of her inner children) put herself in a situation where we got beat up- emotionally and spiritually. Today was a day of grieving and consoling. I took a "me" day and cried for my inner little girl who got unfairly beat up, took myself out for sushi lunch and bought a book. And I vow I will never let myself be willing beat up like that again. I don't care how much this stupid mother's day holiday makes me feel guilty or tries to "shame" me into doing something my inner voice tells me not to, I will never disrespect or dishonor myself or my partner and our relationship or my future child by putting myself in a situation where ignorant and sick people try to pass their poison onto me. I love myself too much to allow their toxin into my life even if they are my biological family.

Thank you for listening.

love,
sharyn

i do need to call my mom for mothers day but i really dont feel like it on one hand i have given up the dream of a loving supportive mother and on the other i dont my mom to know i dont really like what she did to me.  16 years ago i told on johnny and she told cps and the courts that i made all kinds of stories up including about johnny (who she married after i left) if he murdered me would she still love him? and its my fault for not telling after the   FIRST TIME how was suppose if i used the logic she gave me six months before when a neighbor fingered me.  all she told me when i was 12 was not to go downstairs what was suppose to do when she brought johnny home after the divorce and for a long time even today i feel its like my punishment for being a disabled child that was in the middle of all my parents fights.  and now some 15+ years im suppose to call her with a smile to wish her a happy moms day especially when im haing physical problem with my health see the post before this one.  I would love my mom more if she protected me not tell me "I have done so much for your brother and you its my turn now"  her "turn " ruined my life

I'm in my early 50's.  I was molested by both grandfathers until I was 12 or 13.  I didn't realize how deeply affected I was until recently when some things surfaced.  My younger sister is terminally ill, and now that she's dying a lot has come to the surface.

I am filled with so much unexpressed or inappropriately expressed anger and rage.  Even though I have a great life and tend to be happy, the rage and resentment and hate constantly simmer just under the surface.

My family is very large.  It seems like it is only me who feels the way I do.  One of my grandfathers molested all the girl cousins, but they seem fine with it.  They express undying love for their family.  I hate them all.  What my grandfathers did was not okay, and why am I the only one who seems to be sickened by it.  I'm so filled with bitterness and disgust over something that happened 40 years ago.

My heart is closed off now.  I can only love with my head.  It never touches my heart.  As a matter of fact, my heart never feels anything at all.  I wouldn't say I've become a sociopath or anything.  I'm a good person.  I'm a rule follower.  I don't break laws or do bad things.  I have good morals and ethics...but my heart doesn't feel.  It would be better to hurt than it is to feel nothing.  I'm ready to deal with this.  I don't want to live the rest of my life with no feelings other than anger and rage.  I miss feeling the small things.  My heart wants to open.

Mother's Day.  Am I right?  Only Father's Day is trickier.  

Reaching to touch those who understand and share my pain and also strength and hope...  Hugs safe hugs to each of you... For sharing... for caring... for listening...  I wish that I could give more than just these oh soo few words of affection.  Your stories and your shares are like trigger trigger trigger.... my assignments from a woman who is reaching out to me to help with my food addictions are kicking my butt....  I wonder to myself where to go first.... incest or food?   can i heal here while still chained to my slavery to food...  Gosh got to leave and find safety, but will i find safety?  It's a great big scary unknown out there.   I have shed more tears in the last couple of weeks than I can recall shedding in years...  Stoic  that's me all the way...   Stone cold.... well im cold and im not a stone and if i was i'm crumbling to pieces right now.   Time to walk off I can feel it getting too close that fear....  unsafe on his way home ....  be here tomorrow ... can i hold up?   He loves to catch me when he knows I'm oh so vulnerable...  jab jab poke poke wtf get over it.  It's dark.... I'm cold.  I'm still barely breathing.... oh lord let this pass.

lol  they don't put suicidal in the mood list.... I wonder why?   not suicidal but checked for it and it wasn't there...  Frozen is my mood today.  Tearful frigidity black dark still   ...  very still... 

Between the bankruptcy court and my husband being home several days in a row to make the court date all the time pestering me to let him bring one of his actively using women home to feed her and house her and......................  to him announcing that even though it will be another 60 days before the bankruptcy is truly over, he thinks i should go ahead and leave for CA by the middle of June.....  It hit me like a ton of bricks how easily I was being dismissed by him after 13 years of marriage 14 by the 15th of June...wow gettin the boot for my anniversary...  Talk about this overwhelming sense of abandonment, feeling uglier than I can remember feeling and oooo so dirty and disgusting...  He was home so didn't do any of the phone meetings for Thur and Sat.....  My assignment by sponser was to make lists of the payoffs and costs of using food to disassociate myself....   Welllll the list is still not done since Friday......the physical pain i'm in right now is overwhelming and Alieve is worthless, I am soooo outer space cadet right now and half the time wish I were simply not breathing at all...  soooo I have done nothing    Absent in mind and emotion completely right now, but still keeping my promise to not self injure as long as stuffing my face with the refrigerator doesn't count, if it does....im just basically not caring right now.   You all deserved to know I would give what I could but i got nothing to give not even to myself right now.  funny how a heroin addict can be sooo much more appealing.....oh yeah don't forget to pay the bills and are you sure I can't just bring her here so she can have a break from having to put out for a bed like you?    fuck this shit im sooo tired... there is a lump on my back next to my spine maybe its cancer and between the cancer and hep C i won't have to deal much longer.   back to bed maybe tomorrow ill feel like staying awake.

I had a few heart spasms in the past few days I still feel very emothional.  ealaine and I are going back to one a week soon and i start the second part of the intake on 14th i almost feeling like im loosing my strength.  im tired of my pain.  im tired of my family.  but in sia i have three wonderful sisters i only known about 4/5 months.  since i started sia i have not gone to ga or na.  i almost feel like im loosing my stregth hopefully i wont have to go to the hospital.  sometimed i dont want to use my cpcp but i have too. sometimes i think i am a fake.  at 31 still trying for a two year degree.  i wish i could wake up and finally feel NORMAL for once in my life. 

When I first got here, I was dealing primarily with the effects of the physical abuse that I suppresed for so long, some of it so buried in my memory that it took getting in touch with my pre verbal self to tap into and explore, I am still doing that.  But today I wanted to talk about the emotional or covert incest that I suffered at the hands of my father and mother.  Mostly my father would incest me in this way by telling really off color jokes, or talking about masturbation or having sex with my mother or other inappropriate things to me at WAY to young of an age, and frankly most of the stuff he said to me, should never be said to a child of any age.   But for all intents and purposes, not to minimize that stuff, it was super gross, my mother kind of took the cake on this one.  My father raped my physically, but my mother finished the deal with her constant inhabiting of my soul.  Her utter defiance in letting me have my own feelings, robbing my childhood with her needs.  Always her needs, her uncontrollable crying, sobbing, and rage that I was a sponge a giant tissue for.  Her breaking up, or at least trying to break up all of my relationships with girls I liked.  The only way I was able to get married was with the help of a therapist cutting her off.  When she found out that I was living with a girl in New York, I grew up in San Diego, and had to get as far away from her as possible.  In a manic episode she spent a bunch of money she didn't have to go to the airport and get a day of ticket, for five thousand dollars or something, maybe ten, I can't remember, and got on a plane.  This was the first time I had heard that my father raped me at that time.  I didn't believe her, and though it ended up being true, it was not the right way to tell your child something like this happened.  Of course, she was coming to New York to "save" me, from what I don't know, it was all in her head.  She could justify anything, any action.  It sucked.  Even after her death, which frankly was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, she still continued to inhabit me in a very powerful way and colored my entire lense for living life.  Leading me into yet again dark places in relationships with others who were all about how they felt and what they needed all the time.  That is how I was trained, whipping boy/priest/little prince.  I used to cry when I read that book the Little Prince.  My childhood was stolen, robbed, taken away.  I was never allowed to be a kid.  I was my mother's husband from day one, it was horrible.  She told me she was going to divorce my father before she told him in my early twenties, by months I sat and waited for her to finally pull the trigger.  The list goes on and on, and hopefully I will be able to more fully unpack this as my work here goes on.   There is a wonderful book about covert incest called "Silently Seduced,"  that changed my life, I recommend it to any survivors who deal with this issue.  It is super real and as I understand it is just as profound as actual physical abuse, goes deeper in a way because it is so easy to just brush off, but when you take a look under the hood, the worms start crawling and the ghosts start screaming.  Scary stuff, but not as scary as ignoring it and pretending like it's no big deal.  Love from the road.  

Lukey Luke